So I started a blog because everyone else was doing it. That's the truth. I can hear my mother saying, 'and if everyone jumped off a bridge would you?' No, probably not, but this seems different somehow. :) Certain physical death does not come from blogging.
The second part of the truth is I actually thought about it before it was the thing to do. I journal A LOT and figured maybe if I put my words out there for everyone to see, knowing they would have an opinion as well, I would have to face things I could hide when it was just me. Accountability. Not a nice word. Transparency. An equally unpleasant word.
Why would I intentionally seek transparency, accountability, opinions of others? I could say I'm a glutton for punishment, or I want others to think I'm special, or spiritual, or I want a pat on the back. Maybe at one time or another each and every one of those have been true. The real reason? I'd rather be transparent and have accountability because of my own insecurities. Now I've said it so let's pretend I didn't - k?
Why do we let our insecurities and doubts plague us? Why do we make the choices we do and stand in our own way? Why do we want others to think we have it all together when we don't? Why do we care what society tells us is 'normal', let alone let other believers say it? Why are we afraid to be ourselves, the people God made us to be? Why are we afraid of being hurt, vulnerable, weak, sinful, sad, lonely, insecure, etc.... Why do I listen to lies - the ones others tell me and more importantly the ones I tell myself? Is it really any easier? Is it really any healthier? Do I ever feel any better about any of it? What about that verse in the Bible? You know the one, "be transformed by the RENEWING of your mind." Transformation can only take place when we renew our minds.
Yet the word 'why' is one of my favorite words. Why this or that? Why, why, why, why!? Add in the stompy pout and you have a full blown temper tantrum. If I make a choice daily to renew my mind, the way I'm looking at something or seeing something, a choice to view it in light of God's truth and light, then maybe transformation would occur. Another DUH! moment don't you think. If it's such a duh though, why (there it is again) is it so hard to do? Am I so scared of being transformed, or so insecure about who I am in Christ, that I would rather stay here and just cope? Some day's its a lot easier to go with the flow and believe whatever, then to 'take every thought captive'.
Truth = rejection sometimes and rejection = feeling bad and lonely. When it's easier for others to believe lies about me than believe the truth, no matter which side it falls on, it becomes easier to believe them. Who wants to feel rejection? Who wants to rock the boat? Who wants to be flawed and weak and whiny and questioning? How often do we hear that our faith should be great enough to get us through anything?
I have been forced to come to grips with the insecurities that have created my life, my choices, my actions, my attitudes, my path. I have been gently nudged to look at how God can transform that stuff into something renewed and beautiful. So what if I'm imperfect? News flash, we all are. My sin and weakness sometimes becomes a mirror for others to see themselves reflected. Sometimes they are my mirror. Sometimes we can work through it together, other times we walk away and don't work through anything. So there it sits. Maybe I've been looking at renewal all wrong.
What if God allowed those hopes, dreams, insecurities, doubts, etc.... to be put to death. What if instead of seeking a renewal of those things He actually desires to transform them into new and more beautiful things? What if while I was seeking a renewed sense of the old, He was creating a transformation into new? What if the path I was one was the wrong one and He is lighting up the right one? Truth is always a big deal to me....maybe it's time I face the truth about myself and God's plans for me. Maybe, just maybe, it's time to walk away from the whys and embrace the unknown and beautiful.