I am apparently 'no bigger than a fart'. This is my husbands new favorite way to describe me. He was quite proud of himself in fact, to have come up with such a clever description of me. It does however leave something to be desired in my mind. He then had to run out and share his cleverness with others. It is just so amazing to hear his co-workers tell me how it's true, I'm no bigger than a fart. He could have just said I'm petite, but men don't actually talk that way in real life. Silly romance novels. Anyhow, in case this description is not working for you, I'm petite in weight and height. My hubby is not. He is a foot taller and double my weight. So by his logic, based on his description of me, this would make him 'a fart'...right?
He seems to believe that our full size bed is his, snoring does not truly exist in the real world, and that a good nights rest can be had by all. I seem to believe that the spare bedroom is becoming a very real possibility if I intend to find this good night's rest I keep hearing about. Lest you think I'm being cruel, or teasing a bit too much.....he laughingly shares these adventures with his friends, my friends, the neighbors....
Mind you, I am only entitled to space on the bed if I get there first. If we go to bed together, he lays on top of the covers which I need to stay warm, falls into a snoring spell, and then proceeds to determine what space he needs in order to give each and every appendage enough room to breathe. If this means I have a leg shoving me off the bed, well, that's just the way it is. If this means his elbow is millimeters away from my nose, I have to trust the Almighty God to protect me.
When it's really cold, apparently I've been known to attempt to cuddle up to him, which is unacceptable as this means that is he forced to try to regain his space on the bed. It would also seem, that I somehow magically grow when asleep, and become impossible to move. But since he takes the covers and kicks them to the end of the bed, how else would I stay warm but to cuddle? Hello, I like warmth when it's cold.
So don't tell him, I want it to be a surprise, but I think I'm going to be saving my pennies and purchasing a larger bed. And ear plugs. And I'm going to find this elusive place called 'dreamland' where a good night's sleep can be had by all.